|I'll be the first against the wall.
||[Jan. 27th, 2008|12:37 am]
All my life. All my fucking pathetic life. I ran. Put words against words and trust against the impossible. This was the last step that I needed to take. I know what they, what you, think of me. Whore. It's not the right word. No one paid. Not that they would, anyway. It was one year. One year without a soul. Ask the best friend of the year before. Not that he would paint me in the most perfect of pictures. All the time that I spent with him. Later to find out that he didn't hold it as highly. That's not the point. The point is that I didn't do anything questionable that entire time. If he remembers, he'll tell you. If that's not enough. If you need to go further back into my time. Ask the best friend of the year before that. But I've heard she's a liar too. I don't know. If you really need to, you can go to the one before that. Yeah, that's how I work. New Year. New Best Friend. It doesn't change what I was for the three years before I lost my mind. I was decent. Not exactly good, but I was not what I was. Yes. Was. I went through the ropes and said that I was sorry. I needed you each to know that I was sorry for what I had done before the execution took place. But know this. I was not caught. I got the ball rolling. And I admitted, and will continue to admit, that which is mine to claim. And, by no means, is anyone a liar. There's some amount of truth in everything that is being said. I should know. I opened my mouth first. I did it because I knew if all that was said between us was sincere, I needed to be clear of this. I hung myself and I did it for you. More importantly, I stayed and will stay. I will take whatever is coming my way because I think you're worth it. Rest assured. Rest fucking assured. I would have bolted at the first sign of danger if it was for anyone else. Ask my mother. Wait. You might not want to. My family's too much of a fucking disgrace to produce anything that has a heart. But still. I love you.|