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clarissa_audio

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Killing Crickets is considered bad luck. To some. [Mar. 31st, 2008|11:02 pm]
clarissa_audio
Even though I knew exactly what you knew. Exactly what I always told you. Denial was always whispered between kisses. So, now that I know. Now that you've actually told me what you think of me. Think it over. Think it. Over think it. I know everything. And you can't possibly guess what everything entails. Treat her like a woman. Treat her like a whore. Treat her like a goddess. Treat her like a nuisance. Wouldn't you like to knock her fucking teeth out? Wouldn't you just love to wipe that smirk off her pretty, little face? You don't stand on the sidelines and listen to it. Standards. Ideals. You are in the very Oh! what is it called? Oh! Oh! Oh! What are you again? Fucking front. That's you, Darling. I wish they knew. I wish they knew you the way that you really are. Not anything directed towards them, but with everything that's inside of you...Who would want to know you? And her. I feel so ill when I think about it. There's always talk of how some men can be so awful with women. How some men can treat women like the worst of filth.
They. Have. Absolutely. Nothing. On. You.
Your mentality. Your actions. Everything. You put them to shame. Makes you the fucking liar. Makes you the fucking villain. Makes me wish I wasn't a girl like you. Makes me wish you weren't human like me. I wish she knew that I would never be a threat to her again. Go ahead, baby. Suck on my fingertips. Get rid of all my fingerprints. No one had any clue. How much I was touching you. After this. I dare you to call me. I dare you.
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Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. [Mar. 20th, 2008|03:00 pm]
clarissa_audio
"The same as I love you, you'll always love me too. This love isn't good unless it's me and you." I was close, but not close enough. Now that I know, it means something else entirely. If I had to picture my life after the fact, I would have it just this way. I have enough of you to place one in front, behind, to my left, to my right. Like the Queen of Hearts, in my most desperate of moments, I had a wall of four. Stone faced. Lips sealed. Bullet proof. I am so grateful. But I still need work. I lean my head against my window and my eyes swell. I focus on the cold of the glass, but my eyes still swell. I can't explain it. I will never be able to explain it. I miss you. All of you. If I could get by with future plans. If I could seem so put together. I keep thinking this could be easier. My head likes to pretend I don't know any better. When I finally finish with all this that I claim to be so temporary. When I finally set off for that corner of the country. The first thing I know I'll do is send notice.
-.-. --- -- . / .-- .. - .... / -- . .-.-.-
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Begins and ends with darling. [Feb. 7th, 2008|01:56 pm]
clarissa_audio
Everything you said. Like the sweetest liquid dripping from your lips onto mine. All the time, it was strategy. Pretty little pawns closing in to force me into submission. There is a difference between your actions and what used to be mine. I did not discourage plans. I did not offer plans. You encouraged them. You made them. I would never have done so because I feel privileged in receiving whatever I can from you. And as far as the gift is concerned. A pair of shoes with paint on one of the heels. A CD with six songs. A time line of our affair maintained in my heart, embedded in those tracks. I won't agree. It's not obsession. It's grief. For the time that went by. That awful year that could have been what we have, or had, just recently. I can see certain scenarios. Happiness with another. Life with another. You always in the back of my head. You always at the center of my heart. I did everything I could. Gave everything I had. It was not enough, and she's right. I knew I was doing all that for nothing. You could never see the weight in it. I was never enough. I joined the race too late. And I have a bad ankle. And I smoke too many cigarettes. She says that you're done and done for good. Is it true? She says her feelings for me will never go away. Yet, she expects mine for you to do so. Yet, I expect yours for her to do so. We all have been at a standstill since the day we met. I will not run into arms. I will not put mine down. One day, I will take these blinders off. There has to be someone. With words just as sweet. With hands just as heavy. Thoughts of that nature keep my heart still, but don't really matter in the end. I don't give a fuck about my heart. It can stay wherever you tossed it aside.
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I'll be the first against the wall. [Jan. 27th, 2008|12:37 am]
clarissa_audio
All my life. All my fucking pathetic life. I ran. Put words against words and trust against the impossible. This was the last step that I needed to take. I know what they, what you, think of me. Whore. It's not the right word. No one paid. Not that they would, anyway. It was one year. One year without a soul. Ask the best friend of the year before. Not that he would paint me in the most perfect of pictures. All the time that I spent with him. Later to find out that he didn't hold it as highly. That's not the point. The point is that I didn't do anything questionable that entire time. If he remembers, he'll tell you. If that's not enough. If you need to go further back into my time. Ask the best friend of the year before that. But I've heard she's a liar too. I don't know. If you really need to, you can go to the one before that. Yeah, that's how I work. New Year. New Best Friend. It doesn't change what I was for the three years before I lost my mind. I was decent. Not exactly good, but I was not what I was. Yes. Was. I went through the ropes and said that I was sorry. I needed you each to know that I was sorry for what I had done before the execution took place. But know this. I was not caught. I got the ball rolling. And I admitted, and will continue to admit, that which is mine to claim. And, by no means, is anyone a liar. There's some amount of truth in everything that is being said. I should know. I opened my mouth first. I did it because I knew if all that was said between us was sincere, I needed to be clear of this. I hung myself and I did it for you. More importantly, I stayed and will stay. I will take whatever is coming my way because I think you're worth it. Rest assured. Rest fucking assured. I would have bolted at the first sign of danger if it was for anyone else. Ask my mother. Wait. You might not want to. My family's too much of a fucking disgrace to produce anything that has a heart. But still. I love you.
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When the sun shines. [Jan. 21st, 2008|05:29 pm]
clarissa_audio
If there was one certainty that could come out of my mouth, it would be this: I care. I've compared emotions. I've taken notes and measured angles. I came out of some hole to be blinded by the sun and now I have trouble remembering. Feelings for others. Tears on pillows. Waiting for time. Even if it is a fake sun, I'll jump at the opportunity to bask in its rays. I'll learn to take comfort in uncertainties. If, in fact, this is a hoax, the time will be cut short. Nothing more. My feet belong above ground and that hole will be left behind. Nevertheless. Who was the one that sat beside me in the dark? I could never forget.
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A beautiful assembly. [Jan. 17th, 2008|03:07 pm]
clarissa_audio
A line of cattle being pushed to blades. They don't know, and honestly, could never know what is waiting for them. Even if every soul along the way whispered in their ear. Turn around and sneak away. It's a different language, different species. They will continue. Miserable, but trusting. Exhausted, but willing. If in the midst of some horrible incident, a mistake is made. If some other thing were being taken along with. Maybe a tea pot. Maybe an armadillo. Maybe a set of headphones. Maybe a duck. Just maybe. I'm sure in an industry such as this, there has to be a person. Somewhere. To make sure things are running along as they should be. Most wouldn't have the heart to push the red button and bring everything to a halt. Most would've turned a blind eye and acted surprised at the slabs of flesh decked with feathers. Or speakers. I happen to find myself staring at the hand that's trying to pull me out of all this livestock. All I can do is stare. Connections are cut and there is silence. If I could play a song it wouldn't be something for the occasion. No requiem. No ballad. It would be a song about how I was born in a doorway. And still. All I can do is stare. And hope my silence and stupidity bring about some mercy. I know no better. I'm just hardware.
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If I was the ocean, would you learn to float? [Jan. 16th, 2008|02:25 pm]
clarissa_audio
I forgot. I fucking forgot my place. She chooses me. I choose you. You choose her. Tea party for four. Happiness for two. Agony for the others. This is extremely simple. I know what's coming. I had the strength to stand for one day, but that is not my place. You keep me on my knees. I keep praying. What else is there to do? I keep faith. It does not leave me, but you always do. All I have is this blind faith. Show me that I'm worth fighting for. I'm begging you to prove me wrong. All the while, she threatens to stay away. I encourage because I know it's for the best. Now she's sick. And I can't help her.
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I've got time if you want to waste it. [Jan. 12th, 2008|02:39 pm]
clarissa_audio
The first time you only threatened. Last time, your arm was in the air. Next time, I know it's landing on my face. Three years is not exactly accurate, is it? Try months. Try it. I never doubted your feelings, but I doubt every word that comes out of your mouth. I know what would make you happy. I know because it's the same. Our "her" is different, but the request is the same. "I just want her." I know that our relationship is coming to a complete end because of the new hysteria that it has taken on. There's a desperation in the way you go about things now. Or maybe not. Maybe my restlessness is because I'm dragging my feet to get over something that isn't worth half, no, a quarter of what you're worth. I always reassure myself. I never asked for anything. I didn't ask for this. I am so ungrateful. Everything was done because at the very center of your heart, there is me. Something just doesn't feel right about this. Something doesn't feel right about you this time.
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Nothing like this person. [Jan. 8th, 2008|03:22 pm]
clarissa_audio
Everything is the same. This cavity of mine no longer provides sufficient shelter and my heart trembles and faints. Faint of heart. Word on the street is that I've proved stronger. That I'm over it. Don't you think that. Descriptions of me leave their mouths, but I'm still lacking grace. They cheer this weakling on with kind words, but what they don't realize is that I'm not paying them any mind. Some time back I thought they were running their mouths because of things I had done. I didn't understand how they could point fingers if their track-records were so much worse. Thirty minutes after the New Year, I figured it out. Sitting on the steps of a house, I could feel you getting closer and it finally hit me. I hated what I was and I meant every word when I told her I wanted you to tear me apart. It wasn't what I had done with them. It was what I had done to them. No one deserves to be tossed aside. No one deserves to be treated with such disregard. Everything that I did has been multiplied and I am oh! so very sorry. I've retreated into myself and into my room. Ashamed of what I've done. Ashamed of what's been done. Being done. If I had the courage. If I had the heart that I've always desired. The heart of a not-so-very-brave lion. I might be able to tell you. I will wait (in vain) as long as I have to. I won't pass time with someone. I will wait (IN VAIN) alone. I knew the moment I saw you. I'm yours. I want to believe you miss me. I wish it had been intentional. For the three minutes that I thought it had belonged to me, I was in perfect condition. And then the phone rang and I was reminded of the basic truth. You're happy and fine in a world that does not include me. I wish that this made a difference...I'm in love with you. Still. I keep mute. I dummy up. I show no emotion because I feel my confession spilling to the other side of this closet and there's no one there to listen. There's no one there to forgive. There's no one there to tell me to be cavalier. I have no steed. I have no armor. I am nothing in comparison. You told me that I didn't have to pretend to brave. And then you told me that you would make me hate you if I needed it. I just need you. But she's right. At the end of the day, none of this matters. I'm waiting for nothing. You would never come back.
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To + Day = Heartache. [Dec. 18th, 2007|12:45 pm]
clarissa_audio
You shouldn't doctor yourself. I haven't and I don't think I will. Sorrow over the loss of her interest had been thinning, but I never cease to be amazed. Situations that have you standing on paper-thin glass, terrified of breathing, all leave you the same way. Tired. You return to life as it was before. As it always really is. I think of the letter that I want to send to you. Details that I won't even admit to myself. Unless my eyes are shut tight. I just haven't been able to get you off my mind. I always refer back to that memory of you walking away. In that first interaction, I knew I was going to love you. I want to tell you that I'll be the victor. I want to tell you that I will wait. No matter how long. I have to. There's no getting around this. Today I woke up to an alarm telling me we'd been together one month. I had the best of intentions when I set it. I told myself I wouldn't go running to her. I said that I respected her more than that, but how am I dying to see her? I just need to see her. I need her to remind me. Remind me. Make me contradict every single thing I've just said.
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Dotted line. Dot. Dot. Dot. [Dec. 3rd, 2007|01:41 pm]
clarissa_audio
Days pass and the pain subsides. I don't look for you. You don't look for me. Almost a year and I have nothing to show for it. Other than the cast around my heart. Other than the cremation of your flower. It's as if you never knew me. I made an exchange. An over-all agreement about you. She had something I wanted, so I played the only card I had. You. In the end. After everything. I can still be bought. Pity it didn't take much. I signed my name and knew what I was doing. It makes me look tough. Like I have the strength of an ant. This is too much. It's too much, but I can take it. You're fucking right I can take it. Most of the time, it's not a problem. Most of the time, my attention is elsewhere. In books that put long division into words. In books that tell of spells placed on woodsmen. In books that outline heroes. Most of the time. It's not a problem. When I panic in the middle of the night. When I can't breathe. When I just can't get a hold of myself. You want to know what my mind holds onto? The one thought that shines like a lighthouse, begging me to come back in from this storm? ::Thank God, I've been paid to stay the fuck away from her.::
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A somewhat good riddance. [Nov. 28th, 2007|12:49 pm]
clarissa_audio
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and they both tell me that we're better than this. What you could have been for me. Gag me with the possibilities. What you have been to me. A plague. A disastrous infection that's left me bare and alone. I am an empty shell of what I used to be. I am a cathedral. I am a skyscraper. You are an extremely persistent fire and, truly, I am simply a frame. It's my turn to be a wreck. Leave memories in the embers. They match the color of her hair. How very tasteful. Despite what is said. Despite what you say. I know you don't care. I'm willing to bet it was the best kiss of your life.
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I won't tell one soul. [Nov. 27th, 2007|01:15 pm]
clarissa_audio
I'd photocopy everything that we could be. I forget when I'm away from you. To an extent. I remember you being great. I remember. And then I come around and the memories that I keep in my pocket are put to shame. You raise the bar. I do worry, though. Sometimes. What's to protect me? What's to stop me? If I keep coming around, I'll just keep falling. I guess it's okay. If it keeps you laughing.
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The final lap in a delayed race. [Nov. 21st, 2007|04:05 pm]
clarissa_audio
Make plans. Make sure they include me. I sit uneasy upon a calm sea. I feel the storm coming. I tread water and It follows. I kick my legs and beat my arms. Pump them like I'm winding myself up. It's a race to the shore. I must be victorious. If not, nothing new. Where were you when I wasn't angry? Hiding whispers. Where were you when I wasn't hurting? Hiding. Hiding. Where were you when I had a heart? Up against a wall. With her.
But don't you worry. I'm simply typing - I mean, tying - up loose ends.
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I was a mathematician of sorts and I have no remainder. [Nov. 13th, 2007|11:26 am]
clarissa_audio
I won't sit still during discussions. Make your plans without me, I want another season alone. There is no fault. That line was wedged between us long ago. What I had consumed put me in the perfect mood. I was on stand-by. Calculator in hand. I know that it's over because I'm keeping it secret. Tear at your hair. Scream. I am a cathedral. I am a skyscraper. You can no longer move me. Look back and think of what you could have done. Think of me. As your stomach falls to your toes. Think of me. As the ball grows in your throat. Think of me. Because you now know that it doesn't matter. I move. I speak. I show no emotion. I have earned my indifference.
A name to go with a story? I'll tell you, so you won't have to ask me. Noelia.
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I saw it on the screen. [Nov. 6th, 2007|12:01 pm]
clarissa_audio
"You do it alone, and I mean alone." I'm done with this. I can't put the blame on anything but my shoulders. It's hilarious. I knew it would happen. I knew one day I would wake up and everything would be alright. Today is that day. I don't need either of you and I have a course of action. I set to work. Feet on the ground, ready to run. Face in my hands, ready to think. I think you've run me into the ground, but Oh! how you've underestimated me. I've got the harder part. I've got the kinder heart. I've got it mapped out. Like my hands on your body. Like your fists on my heart. Today I begin again. I don't expect for you to agree or understand. I expect for you to stay out of my way.
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Step 0.01. [Oct. 21st, 2007|10:16 pm]
clarissa_audio
I finally got myself to do what I could never. Erase you. And everything you left behind. As I did this I read what you sent and at one point we were normal. You spoke to me like you cared. Like I could have been a friend. At one point. The truth is I let you in too quickly. I let you all in too quickly. Now I don't know how to get you out. I will leave. Like I always do. Because everything's good in the beginning and then there's a shift. Things become strange, but no notice is taken until it's too late. Well, it's too late. And I'm taking notice.
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Matching children and breaking hearts. [Oct. 21st, 2007|08:08 pm]
clarissa_audio
The best I've done with my life, thus far, is make people believe that I've loved them. Coincidentally. The worst I've done with my life, thus far, is the exact same thing. Actually. It's not. The worst is my flight plan. I change planes. I change destinations. Like it's a prescription for the new year. I change my mind. I can't be away from you without going crazy. My blood thins and I maintain this feeling. Like I'm about to faint. Like I'm about to throw up. Like I'm about to leave. I change my mind. I can't be with you without crying. I lose God. My blood becomes water. My eyes climb upward and the tears fall down. I wish I was a bigger person. Big enough to block out my insecurities. Big enough to be comfortable onstage without being so dramatic. Big enough to stand up to you before I fall apart. I change my mind. I need a new gimmick. I need a new flaw. I need to step away from the space. I need to step away from her. I need to step away from you. Excuse me. I need to find solid ground. I asked. You avoided. There's nothing more for me to do. Except stay away from you.
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Brutal finale. [Oct. 18th, 2007|04:13 pm]
clarissa_audio
I foresaw a life in you. I foresaw a love in you. I was blind. My head is full of viciousness. My heart is full of pain. I sit here. Writing. Breaking. Crying. There's one thing that I can think of. There's one thing that I want. More than anything in the whole world. I want it. Breathe it in. So much that it's drowning. Breathe it in. So much that it's suffocating. Spelled out your name (backwards, through that drive-thru) and list the reasons (you know them, I don't have to) Faint of Heart (that would be me) don't call me back (that would be you). Calm down. I have to calm down. It's over. And all I want is to be at peace.
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Sequinced hearts and rented walls. [Oct. 9th, 2007|05:05 pm]
clarissa_audio
Shoes hanging from power lines. A coat on a wall. Ribbons tied to doorknobs. That's me. Feet never on the ground. Back always facing into the wind. You've become a pain in my neck. The likes of which come from sleeping all wrong. Twisted sheets. Like the face you make before the tears come. Your mind hits the sourest of notes and you wish you never bit off what you knew you couldn't swallow. What's happened to you? Everything spread out like a canvas. Do what you like. What do you like? Needles for pricking. Fingers for bleeding. The blood swells, quivers, falls. Pregnant with hopes. Pregnant with dreams. All for the future to be oh, so kind. Let it drop. Press it in. Spread it out. Shape it like the heart they're lacking. Shape it like the heart they're breaking. I love you. Loser. Traitor. Failure. Disgrace. Rogue. Backslider. Piece of shit. I owe you everything. Not because you're all that I've got. But because you're all that I want. Side by side. Your hand in mine. When I get over this, we'll take on the world and leave this fucking death-sentence. I gave you that heart and told you to keep it until I had a wall of my own. I've decided that you are to hold onto it. My place is with you.
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