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I go around in circles. With a vengeance. - Am I asking too much...to keep you at arm's length? [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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I go around in circles. With a vengeance. [Apr. 10th, 2008|08:48 pm]
I sneaked my way in and little by little, I am being made aware. She gave me history. More than I wanted to know. Way more. She tells me what I need to hear. And she always knows when it comes back. In the middle of the night, when I remember what it was like to believe I was loved, she will call and ask if I'm alright. She knows what is happening on my end of the line. She knows I will speak when I am ready. Until then. Until it's safe. She will wait. She understands and at the same time, she doesn't. She points things out. Things that were made public just recently. Things that point to me. I have no answers. I don't know what she means. ::hours later:: Today. I actually forgot her for a while. Then I did something stupid. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have sneaked in that far. Shut up. Shut the fuck up!! I'm not leaving bread crumbs. For scavengers. I'm not leaving carvings. For wolves. I heard the best thing for me to do is stay away. Stay silent. I have no problem staying away. Staying silent provides the problem. Specifically. I can talk to actual confidants about anything. Except what I write about here. I've been so used to having this and writing about this one subject. To do without it. I don't know if I can. Besides. This doesn't prove anything to anyone. So, I'm back to the beginning. This can go. This can stay. The only one it really matters to is me. And I know that I need it. Whatever. What I really need is to shut the fuck up. I need to get dressed. In two hours, I will be too far gone to remember how to spell. If the odds are in my favor, anyway.