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The carnival's standing ovation. - Am I asking too much...to keep you at arm's length? [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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The carnival's standing ovation. [Apr. 8th, 2008|01:03 am]
I froze. My hands submerged in water. I remembered walking. I remembered birds. I thought the carnival had something to do with it, but I was wrong. The lights couldn't save us, try as they might. Words of caution crowded my head and with the immense traffic of thought, there was one to blame for the congestion. We rode in tea cups. A green one with white stars. Every turn in the same direction. To the right. And in every turn (to the right), I could count on your hair in my face. I could count on breathing you in. I remember the sun setting as we went into a maze full of mirrors. I always knew which image of you was the one I needed to go to. I would stand in front of you. Expecting something. Expecting it to be real. And I always had the impression you were. Until you would lean your head, as if to kiss, and I would shut my eyes. It was then that I heard your breath give way. That strange sigh that meant you've had enough of me. Eyes would open. Images would shift. It might have been that one arrogant thought. I might have been stunned by your brush-off. Either way, I didn't notice the line you had me standing in. We were too far gone when I finally did notice. The one ring I had asked to be kept from. You had me in it. I don't know. Something about the sound. It reminded me of an accident I had when I was young. Gears. Chains. Little legs. Little feet. Something about the sound of that particular ring. I thought about getting out of line. Can't possibly leave you. Too far gone, anyway. Can't ever leave you. So, I rode. Teeth clenched. Knuckles white. My love did nothing to kill my fear. Anger was enough. In one moment of insanity, as I turned red from blood in my face, I produced a thought bold enough to push the arrogant one aside. In that moment, the blinking lights of the acres beneath us cheered on. A possible manifestation of a standing ovation in twinkling lights of green, red, yellow, and blue. This was us. I am insane. You are in control. I am insane. You are in control. And to think. The congestion was caused because I could not figure how to approach the concept of taking your hand in mine. Imagine. When everything came to an end, the first thing I did was shower. I'm not sure why. That's what I do every time. I kill you with water. I kill your memory with water. I think, because it's the only weapon I have. A kind of medium between you and I. The only medium you gave me to create with. The only difference is that this form is clean. The form I had carried salt along with it. So. I wash my hands. I wash my face. I wash my arms. And my legs. One day, I will wipe the mirror clean and there won't be any trace of you in it. There will be nothing left of you in me and I won't even notice. One day.