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clarissa_audio

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My heart. [Oct. 21st, 2010|12:28 pm]
clarissa_audio
When you look at me, I hope you can see that I will befriend you - whatever the color of your skin, the preference of your love, the faith in your heart. You may confide in me and I will not judge you. I only wish for you to fall into embrace.
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I'd talk to Jesus, but He says I'm okay. [Oct. 5th, 2010|05:44 pm]
clarissa_audio
I have no words for myself - I should have seen it coming. The revolving door finally opened and the freedom and promise of the world knocked the wind right out of me. My hesitation has become a curse again, but "I love you" never felt like any blessing. So, I find myself in a situation that's very familiar and while I anticipated assumptions, I did not fully prepare myself. There's nothing that could be done to keep me from at least trying to do what's right. The future is in the making and I'll try to plant better crops to make better the reaping. With every breath I shall try to do better.
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Dust off and dive in. [Sep. 8th, 2010|05:36 pm]
clarissa_audio
If I can, I shall try to avoid ever doing this again. I wish I could come up with some sort of fond farewell, but the truth is that I don't leave this as I think I would have liked to. I would have liked to have seen some sort of improvement, but there hasn't been any in any aspect. I have all the same complaints that I've had all my life and I'm still the very same person, deep down. I'm almost thirty and I still get that feeling when I see someone from my past and I can almost taste the shame that I can't seem to lose. There's no need for it. How cool is cool, anyway? I sound like a very bitter loser, I know, but seriously. When I think of the kind of people that I want to surround myself with, I think kind and trustworthy and considerate. I think that makes up a pretty cool person and how much cooler do you want? Fire eaters? Country-club pinkies? I know what I want and I know what I'm not and for the very first time ever -

Fuck you and your red hair. (As politely as possible, of course.)

I did not intend for this to turn into some frustrating entry, but that kind of shit really bothers me. Anyway, I just wanted to say that although this will be gone soon, and gone for good, I'm about to give birth and I need something to rely on. I find myself on my own, but I am not alone. Thank goodness.
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One foot in front of the other. [Dec. 12th, 2008|02:38 pm]
clarissa_audio
I feel a slight stinging in my hands. I feel them warm. The season is changing and so have we all. Sleep. Has taken so much of my time. So much left to be done. All the while, the same message fogs my mind in everything I want to do now. I will make you bracelets. I will make pins. I will make cakes. I will write songs. I will draw pictures. I will make dinner. I will write stories. Not just for one. For every single one of you. No matter what is thought. You couldn't imagine the effect. Despite the effort to turn the other cheek, every other effort is waning. And rightfully so.
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In due time. [May. 23rd, 2008|03:33 pm]
clarissa_audio
I thought that this meant something more than broken hearts and new addictions.
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Ask me. Ask me. Ask. Me. [May. 7th, 2008|12:40 pm]
clarissa_audio
It was in the form of a girl that I lost my faith. Wrapped around her finger. My heart on a string. Oh, how she tugged! With every jerking motion I felt my chest heave and cave in. Was it to humiliate? Was it to resuscitate? I scribbled my secret down on a card and sent it in. Adorned with flowers picked by someone who had taken the time to care. That I treated with complete disgust. Hm. I think I've heard this one before. How does one forget where she comes from? How does one forget? Tell me. Tell me. Tell. Me. There's two hearts to every pen. There's two hearts to every stone. There is one that is in love. There is one that's in control.
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Nothing will be lost in the end. [Apr. 29th, 2008|02:04 pm]
clarissa_audio
In the city of lights. I was reminded of what it is that I am. Sitting. Drinking. Book in hand. I missed you, but not sure why. I'm usually good alone. Now you've left me with questions and I have no more answers. Vengeance isn't on my mind anymore. Preservation takes priority. I hold nothing in comparison. Obstacles will never be done with. I will forever be against the wall. They will forever be taking aim. Told you I needed you to bear this. Carry me. Because you're so strong. Because I used to be strong. You were my hero. Now I have your cape, but I don't wish to fly. You want me up in the air. I do not wish to fly. Both feet on the ground and I'm left with the same question. What's to become of us now? On the way home. Mountains. Canyons. Sunsets. Heaven. Nothing could deter my mind from you.
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Such was our calling. [Apr. 22nd, 2008|11:53 am]
clarissa_audio
Believe me. I missed you with everything I had. I bit my tongue and coughed up blood. Drunken nights left me with cuts all over my hands. Drugged nights left me with cuts all over the place. Blood on shirts. Nights without you. How can I explain this? This is all I know. One must know the difference between good and bad and to know... One must understand. And I don't. I cannot begin to. I think you to be a fool. If I love you, the way I say I do, would I want you to do this? If you love me, the way you say you do, would you want to put me through this? The whispers will never stop. True. False. They will never stop. I won't stop going until there's something to make me. Maybe there's a reason you came to me, after all. Maybe there's a reason why I look for you. I'm looking for something to make me stop.
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I thought it was already as heavy as can be. [Apr. 20th, 2008|01:13 am]
clarissa_audio
She won't stop whispering. She won't stop breathing in my ear. I know you're tough. As lightening. But what if you're not strong enough to lift my heavy heart? I feel strange about feeling skeptical. I didn't know I could hurt you. I guess I'm still the one with the armor in all of this. What if I was wrong? What if there's no more pedestals for each other? What then?
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Darling. [Apr. 19th, 2008|12:18 pm]
clarissa_audio
Before then we had made a wish. That we would be missed if one or another just did not exist.
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Love is at its absolute best when it will not die. [Apr. 17th, 2008|02:44 am]
clarissa_audio
I forgot what it was like to have it returned. Attention. Praise. Effort. I had forgotten. I was told that I needed to come to you with a warning. I carry, um, severe baggage. Not the obvious kind, no. Aside from the tragedy of normal proportions. Aside from the use of questionable measure. There is the story involving five unfortunate hearts. The equation was mapped out before and there still doesn't seem to be a solution, but it has been simplified. Where there were once five, there now sits two. Bewildered at what could possibly keep them there. Despite what it is they think they feel, they're still not on the same page. Not yet. I never thought something could be too little, too late. It's either one or the other. But since this story has two sides to it now, I think it very appropriate. One has come too late. One has come with too little. This shouldn't be taken negatively. The silver stars on which we wish and wish and wish have all been gone for years. What you see is what you're wishing for. A love so great, it leaves its light behind for others to envy for as long as they care to look. And honestly...who wouldn't want a love that could endure some of the worst obstacles? Then again. Who would want a lover that avoided being kissed?
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What it really means to fall. [Apr. 16th, 2008|12:19 am]
clarissa_audio
I thought it was dead. I thought it was over. Now I see. I see the truth and I see how I am the one that should be dead. She will never understand. I want to write them all letters. Everyone that's waiting. Waiting for love. Waiting for the one to come. Waiting for heroes. Waiting for heroines. Hold on with everything you've got. Occupy your mind with images of the bodies sprawled on the floor. Bodies thin and frail. Spirits broken and torn. Pathetic, dingy suits and skirts. Wait. Look again. There you go, dears. There are your saviors. Seems like the romance of modern day was an idea much too difficult to save. When you figure out the truth. Boy, oh! boy. You figure it out. You'll be one among the many casualties. You'll realize the entire time you've been clinging, you've been clinging upside down. Then. You'll realize the pain from blood in your fucking, foolish face just might kill you. The wait. Just might fucking kill you. Because they will never come. They will never save you. She will never save me from myself. So you might as well let go. You're dead already, anyway.
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I. II. III. III. II. I. [Apr. 14th, 2008|02:29 am]
clarissa_audio
I. I'm running back. I know I will. I already have a plan. Aside from the one I had. Sometimes I just don't agree with any of them. Sometimes I know that I keep one foot in the doorway because I know that one day. One day. We will tie tin cans to bumper cars. I just don't see any other way. There is no other way. Or maybe you like knowing you're the one that, well, for lack of a better phrase, stripped me of my power.
II. Kindness is being forced now. I don't know how to set distance between you and I. I should have never let you cross the door frame. You have to understand that I leave because my life stops when you are in it. You take me and place me on a shelf. Beneath a bell-jar. This precious, delicate thing you think I am. What business do you have forgetting what I was to you? What business do you have forgetting what you will never be to me? Play it cool. Keep your distance.
III. You and I. We have been blessed. I was afraid of what she would say to me when I told her. She began well enough. Then she did something that I never saw coming. She told me I had her blessing. If you knew us. If you knew her. If you knew how she was with me. You would see why this would be a landmark event. Despite never wanting to, I had gotten so used to if not one. The other. I can't hold my breath. I stress about these kinds of things. And why is that, love? I don't know. And why is that love? I don't know. And why? Is that love?
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I go around in circles. With a vengeance. [Apr. 10th, 2008|08:48 pm]
clarissa_audio
I sneaked my way in and little by little, I am being made aware. She gave me history. More than I wanted to know. Way more. She tells me what I need to hear. And she always knows when it comes back. In the middle of the night, when I remember what it was like to believe I was loved, she will call and ask if I'm alright. She knows what is happening on my end of the line. She knows I will speak when I am ready. Until then. Until it's safe. She will wait. She understands and at the same time, she doesn't. She points things out. Things that were made public just recently. Things that point to me. I have no answers. I don't know what she means. ::hours later:: Today. I actually forgot her for a while. Then I did something stupid. I shouldn't have gone. I shouldn't have sneaked in that far. Shut up. Shut the fuck up!! I'm not leaving bread crumbs. For scavengers. I'm not leaving carvings. For wolves. I heard the best thing for me to do is stay away. Stay silent. I have no problem staying away. Staying silent provides the problem. Specifically. I can talk to actual confidants about anything. Except what I write about here. I've been so used to having this and writing about this one subject. To do without it. I don't know if I can. Besides. This doesn't prove anything to anyone. So, I'm back to the beginning. This can go. This can stay. The only one it really matters to is me. And I know that I need it. Whatever. What I really need is to shut the fuck up. I need to get dressed. In two hours, I will be too far gone to remember how to spell. If the odds are in my favor, anyway.
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Whine. Whine. No wine. [Apr. 10th, 2008|01:30 am]
clarissa_audio
I keep the link on my page, but I don't really think anyone comes here. At least, I hope not. This is nothing important. My heartache. In print. I can't stop crying. It takes everything I've got. And, oh my God. I'm running out of whatever that is. The awful thing. What keeps me in shambles. What crumbles me to my knees. Is that I know I will love you for an extremely long time. But. I will never be able to actually love you. Even if I was given the chance. I just could not. How could I? You would never love me enough to forgive me. And I just don't have it in me to stand by someone that thinks I'm a whore. My tears blur the screen. My mind tells my heart to be calm. My heart tells my mind to be strong. Both agree. I'm in desperate need of moving on. The expiration date can't be here soon enough. I know I said I wouldn't. I lied.
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No. I didn't write this. [Apr. 10th, 2008|12:55 am]
clarissa_audio
I'm having dreams about you. I want to scream about you. Everything you've done. You were the girl who seemed to own the world and everything was about you. I took a chance to call you my own. I didn't know a thing about you. I thought you could love. What a fool I was. There was going on. I was just singing my song. There was something mad about you. I took it wrong, you liked my song. Why couldn't I have you? Crazy dream, you've done me wrong. You left me long. I couldn't stand a chance without you. You said that love was dead and in my head. I just couldn't believe it. And on the phone you said, "You never knew me at all." I thought there was love. What a fool I was. Everything was in hyper-jinx just like an old-time movie. You don't understand. You can't comprehend. I guess it doesn't really matter. And every dream a nightmare. Nothing really matters. I thought I was loved. What a fool I was.
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A. B. C. D. E. [Apr. 9th, 2008|04:54 pm]
clarissa_audio
I sat in a booth. Towards the back. The neon light casting a red glow over my drink, over my book, over me. Vodka and tonic water. Bowl of olives. Book on sailors and things of the nautical varieties. I tried focusing. I couldn't. I tried listening. I couldn't. My thoughts kept returning back to you. And her. And her. You claim I don't have to continue holding my banner. Waving it in front of you. Without mercy. You claim I don't have to continue reminding you of how I feel. Every chance I get. Without mercy. But every time. Every single time. A face turns my head. A message is received. It's the same inquisition. Ending in the same question. Ending in the same answer. I would not. I focus on migration. Worthy change of scenery. I focus on running away. Away from you. Away from her. Away from this problem that has no solution.
A wants B. B wants C. C wants B. B wants A. D wants A. No one bothers with E. Who might also want A. Then again, might also want C.
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The carnival's standing ovation. [Apr. 8th, 2008|01:03 am]
clarissa_audio
I froze. My hands submerged in water. I remembered walking. I remembered birds. I thought the carnival had something to do with it, but I was wrong. The lights couldn't save us, try as they might. Words of caution crowded my head and with the immense traffic of thought, there was one to blame for the congestion. We rode in tea cups. A green one with white stars. Every turn in the same direction. To the right. And in every turn (to the right), I could count on your hair in my face. I could count on breathing you in. I remember the sun setting as we went into a maze full of mirrors. I always knew which image of you was the one I needed to go to. I would stand in front of you. Expecting something. Expecting it to be real. And I always had the impression you were. Until you would lean your head, as if to kiss, and I would shut my eyes. It was then that I heard your breath give way. That strange sigh that meant you've had enough of me. Eyes would open. Images would shift. It might have been that one arrogant thought. I might have been stunned by your brush-off. Either way, I didn't notice the line you had me standing in. We were too far gone when I finally did notice. The one ring I had asked to be kept from. You had me in it. I don't know. Something about the sound. It reminded me of an accident I had when I was young. Gears. Chains. Little legs. Little feet. Something about the sound of that particular ring. I thought about getting out of line. Can't possibly leave you. Too far gone, anyway. Can't ever leave you. So, I rode. Teeth clenched. Knuckles white. My love did nothing to kill my fear. Anger was enough. In one moment of insanity, as I turned red from blood in my face, I produced a thought bold enough to push the arrogant one aside. In that moment, the blinking lights of the acres beneath us cheered on. A possible manifestation of a standing ovation in twinkling lights of green, red, yellow, and blue. This was us. I am insane. You are in control. I am insane. You are in control. And to think. The congestion was caused because I could not figure how to approach the concept of taking your hand in mine. Imagine. When everything came to an end, the first thing I did was shower. I'm not sure why. That's what I do every time. I kill you with water. I kill your memory with water. I think, because it's the only weapon I have. A kind of medium between you and I. The only medium you gave me to create with. The only difference is that this form is clean. The form I had carried salt along with it. So. I wash my hands. I wash my face. I wash my arms. And my legs. One day, I will wipe the mirror clean and there won't be any trace of you in it. There will be nothing left of you in me and I won't even notice. One day.
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The risk of being honest in the wee hours of the morning. [Apr. 6th, 2008|03:19 am]
clarissa_audio
I had a dream in which I had a lot of attitude. I've had many dreams. Most end in catastrophe. Meaning you meet me with a vengeance. On most nights. There was one that differed. It was like a song. Tell me why you lied. Please. Running into arms. My hand on the back of your neck. Kiss me. If you don't, this will never go. Because it's easy. Because it's all we know. You do. Despite my greatest efforts, all was right between you and I. In that dream. It was us and us alone. I slept for just over a couple of hours on this particular night. Then I woke. The lifetime that had passed in my head. The lifetime that I would not be a part of. It all emphasized how cold everything was. My room. My bed. My feet. My face. And I could have died out of sheer longing for one particular person. Then I decided not to. As if I could will the act itself. What to do? Oh! what to do? The only thing I can do is continue with plans. Even that seems like false security. I can see my life out of this state. I can see my life with another. I can see almost anything. But. Not even in my wildest dreams do I see my heart not beating for you. And I have nothing or no one to blame for that. Save my arrogance. Save myself.
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If this hadn't stopped... [Apr. 3rd, 2008|12:49 am]
clarissa_audio
I was under the impression this was going to be different. I was under the impression she would be my end. Then I found out and indeed, she was the end. The end of my tragic year. I made plans to fuse our loving hearts. I made plans to take vows. How foolish of me. How very foolish of me. How very idiotic. I want to hear how sorry she is. And then I don't, because I know she's not. I know she meant every word. Has meant every word for a very long time. Even if I got my way. What difference would that make? I will never be able to forgive. She will never be able to take it back. Just like she was never able to forgive. Just like I was never able to take it back. Take them back. I'm sure it doesn't matter now. She can have her bowl of oranges. I don't think she got that reference all the times I used it. I am not surprised. Never very clever. Never very kind. Never very anything. Except. Very very very very very very mean. And yet. She would have left if she knew everything. I never did. I was in her corner right up until the end. My calculations are always so very wrong. My two year estimate has turned into a year and a half. Just a year and a half longer and I will be oceanside. Internship should be over by mid-November, at the latest, and then I can start using my hands for something good again. Save and remember. Save yourself. Save and forget. I look forward to a little boat house. I look forward to Puget Sound. I look forward to grey, rainy days. But for now. I'm still here. And the sun will come up tomorrow.
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